Music: Any Umbrella
Enter stage right Dame & Jack, umbrella – wellingtons
Dame: If ever I go to Cleethorpes again I'll eat this soggy welly
Jack: But mother, the sun shone on Thursday morning, that's not bad
Dame: Not bad, them trapped miners saw more sun than we did and they were down the devil's hole for 5 weeks
Jack: Do you really think there's a devil mother?
Dame: Oh yes, I know there is, I divorced the old sod forty years ago
Jack: But surely mother, he couldn't be all bad?
Dame: No not all, just the bits that didn't go up the crematorium chimney.
Come on Jack, I'm going to die of pneumonia if you don't get that door open
Jack: Well if there's a devil, there must be a God
Dame: Will you stop talking out of your back side, the only thing up there is ef,ef,ef,16's and a satellite for Skype
Curtains open to kitchen with computer in view
Jack: Do you want me to put the kettle on Mother?
Dame: Of course I do (turns to audience) anybody out there like a cup of tea.... pause ….. It's from NETTO
They settle down with cup of tea
Knock at the door
Jack: Goodness Mother, who can this be at this time of night?
Dame: I wouldn't be surprised if it's Neptune – come for all this seaweed back
Jack: Well I've got no seaweed in my pockets
Dame: Pockets! I walked two miles out for a paddle and only managed to get a whelk between my toes
Jack: opens door
Jack: (shouts) It's Lucy, Mother
Dame: Hello Lucy, would you like a cup of tea?
Lucy: Oooooooo yes please, yours is the best tea in the World
Before audience can say anything, Dame walks to front of stage with a, “Told you so” look – holding her cup
Lucy: How did the holiday go?
Dame: The rain made up for all the sand and no sea
Lucy: I know the weather's been bad this year
Jack: Bad – even the weather forecasters are getting it right!
Dame: Does that include Michael Fish (grimaces)
Lucy: I was talking to someone today and they said they are going to live in Spain
Jack: That seems like a good idea to me
Dame: Jack, you wouldn't know a good idea if it came in a brain transplant
Lucy: I thought it sounded lovely, they have really good weather there you know
Dame: How did they go about it?
Lucy: They found it on the internet
Jack: Do you want me to boot the PC up?
Dame: Why not, I'm just about dry
Jack messes with the PC and gets nowhere so he asks Lucy
Jack: Can you get google on Lucy?
Lucy sits at the PC and then says
Lucy: Here we are - “Cheap land in Spain – 2500 square metres at give-away price”
Dame: Look at them views
Jack: It says “Electricity near by, water easily obtainable and planning permission no problem”
Lucy: There's a number to ring
Jack: There's an email address as well
Dame: Right, send an email, I'm getting into the old 'Paso Doble' mood (does a little dance)
Jack: So we are going to move Mother?
Dame: We certainly are, I feel it's the best move we'll ever make!!
CHORUS NUMBER ON FULL STAGE. DANCE. SONG – GOING TO SUNNY SPAIN
Scene opens with shifty looking Spaniard waiting to greet Dame and Jack
Packo: I've a feeling this is going to be a good day, they sound a right pair of giddy's
Dame and Jack struggle on to the set with a load of summer wear and holiday gear
Packo: Ah, Buenos dias, you must be Señora Plonker and this must be your son Jack
Dame turns to Jack
Dame: He seems a good and true sort of man
Jack: Don't you think he looks a bit foreign?
Dame: You silly boy, we welcomed them with open arms at the Armada, he's nearly a relative
Jack: But Mother, didn't we sink all their ships?
Dame: Well yeeees, but it was only a language mix up
Packo: I'll take you to see the land now – straight away. (to audience) I might as well get their money before they spend it
Dame: Well what did I tell you Jack, the Señor is a man after my own heart, what is your name Señor?
Packo: My name is Packo – Señora
Dame: THAT IS A RARE NAME INDEED
Dame: (to Jack) I tell you, he's one in a million
Jack: Like you say mother, he certainly is
Curtain open to Country Scene – enter Dame & Jack as curtains openDame: (swoons and drools over the view then says to Packo) This seems too good to be true
Jack: I could never imagine having a piece of land like this
Packo: For 50,000 Euros it's yours
Jack: That's not exactly a give away price
Packo: Just imagine having a cup of tea on a morning with a view like that
Dame: Hey, that reminds me, if the electricity is near by, why can't I see it?
Packo: You can, if you look beyond that Valley, you'll see a pylon
Jack: Is there a cable to the land then?
Packo: You only have to go in to the electricity office, tell them you're going to build a house here and they will gladly put you electric on
Dame: Well that seems straight forward enough. Where's the water?
Packo: I've got to admit, after we put the advert on the internet the well which is right over the other side of the trees there, dried up
Jack: That's going to be a problem
Dame: Can you see to these problems Packo?
Packo: I have an amigo who will deliver water for a few dinero, Señora, leave everything to me and for a small fee I will make sure you are having no worries
Dame: What a nice man
Packo: I will leave you to look over the land and come back for you in one hour
enter Lucy with minimum summer wear looking goodLucy: Good to see you two, I can't believe how beautiful it is here
Dame: It's a real bargain, when you see what you get for your money in England – rain and all
Jack: And we think we will build it our selves and just get professionals to do the difficult bits
Dame: Like walls and a roof
Lucy: Now then, I'm sure Jack has got some ideas on building a house
Dame: He once built a sand castle and got a denunciar
Lucy: How did you get on with the Estate Agent?
Jack: Oh he wasn't an Estate Agent, he seemed as though he worked for himself, a kind of Privateer you might say
Dame: Well as long as he's not a Buccaneer every thing should be alright
Lucy: Have you got a plan of action?
Dame-Jack: Yes, we'll tell you about it
SONG - BIT OF RED