The Scene

Music: Any Umbrella

Enter stage right Dame & Jack, umbrella – wellingtons

Dame: If ever I go to Cleethorpes again I'll eat this soggy welly

Jack: But mother, the sun shone on Thursday morning, that's not bad

Dame: Not bad, them trapped miners saw more sun than we did and they were down the devil's hole for 5 weeks

Jack: Do you really think there's a devil mother?

Dame: Oh yes, I know there is, I divorced the old sod forty years ago

Jack: But surely mother, he couldn't be all bad?

Dame: No not all, just the bits that didn't go up the crematorium chimney.

Come on Jack, I'm going to die of pneumonia if you don't get that door open

Jack: Well if there's a devil, there must be a God

Dame: Will you stop talking out of your back side, the only thing up there is ef,ef,ef,16's and a satellite for Skype

Curtains open to kitchen with computer in view

Jack: Do you want me to put the kettle on Mother?

Dame: Of course I do (turns to audience) anybody out there like a cup of tea.... pause ….. It's from NETTO

They settle down with cup of tea

Knock at the door

Jack: Goodness Mother, who can this be at this time of night?

Dame: I wouldn't be surprised if it's Neptune – come for all this seaweed back

Jack: Well I've got no seaweed in my pockets

Dame: Pockets! I walked two miles out for a paddle and only managed to get a whelk between my toes

Jack: opens door

Jack: (shouts) It's Lucy, Mother

Dame: Hello Lucy, would you like a cup of tea?

Lucy: Oooooooo yes please, yours is the best tea in the World

Before audience can say anything, Dame walks to front of stage with a, “Told you so” look – holding her cup

Lucy: How did the holiday go?

Dame: The rain made up for all the sand and no sea

Lucy: I know the weather's been bad this year

Jack: Bad – even the weather forecasters are getting it right!

Dame: Does that include Michael Fish (grimaces)

Lucy: I was talking to someone today and they said they are going to live in Spain

Jack: That seems like a good idea to me

Dame: Jack, you wouldn't know a good idea if it came in a brain transplant

Lucy: I thought it sounded lovely, they have really good weather there you know

Dame: How did they go about it?

Lucy: They found it on the internet

Jack: Do you want me to boot the PC up?

Dame: Why not, I'm just about dry

Jack messes with the PC and gets nowhere so he asks Lucy

Jack: Can you get google on Lucy?

Lucy sits at the PC and then says

Lucy: Here we are - “Cheap land in Spain – 2500 square metres at give-away price”

Dame: Look at them views

Jack: It says “Electricity near by, water easily obtainable and planning permission no problem”

Lucy: There's a number to ring

Jack: There's an email address as well

Dame: Right, send an email, I'm getting into the old 'Paso Doble' mood (does a little dance)

Jack: So we are going to move Mother?

Dame: We certainly are, I feel it's the best move we'll ever make!!


Scene opens with shifty looking Spaniard waiting to greet Dame and Jack

Packo: I've a feeling this is going to be a good day, they sound a right pair of giddy's

Dame and Jack struggle on to the set with a load of summer wear and holiday gear

Packo: Ah, Buenos dias, you must be Señora Plonker and this must be your son Jack

Dame turns to Jack

Dame: He seems a good and true sort of man

Jack: Don't you think he looks a bit foreign?

Dame: You silly boy, we welcomed them with open arms at the Armada, he's nearly a relative

Jack: But Mother, didn't we sink all their ships?

Dame: Well yeeees, but it was only a language mix up

Packo: I'll take you to see the land now – straight away. (to audience) I might as well get their money before they spend it

Dame: Well what did I tell you Jack, the Señor is a man after my own heart, what is your name Señor?

Packo: My name is Packo – Señora


Dame: (to Jack) I tell you, he's one in a million

Jack: Like you say mother, he certainly is

Curtain open to Country Scene – enter Dame & Jack as curtains open

Dame: (swoons and drools over the view then says to Packo) This seems too good to be true

Jack: I could never imagine having a piece of land like this

Packo: For 50,000 Euros it's yours

Jack: That's not exactly a give away price

Packo: Just imagine having a cup of tea on a morning with a view like that

Dame: Hey, that reminds me, if the electricity is near by, why can't I see it?

Packo: You can, if you look beyond that Valley, you'll see a pylon

Jack: Is there a cable to the land then?

Packo: You only have to go in to the electricity office, tell them you're going to build a house here and they will gladly put you electric on

Dame: Well that seems straight forward enough. Where's the water?

Packo: I've got to admit, after we put the advert on the internet the well which is right over the other side of the trees there, dried up

Jack: That's going to be a problem

Dame: Can you see to these problems Packo?

Packo: I have an amigo who will deliver water for a few dinero, Señora, leave everything to me and for a small fee I will make sure you are having no worries

Dame: What a nice man

Packo: I will leave you to look over the land and come back for you in one hour

enter Lucy with minimum summer wear looking good

Lucy: Good to see you two, I can't believe how beautiful it is here

Dame: It's a real bargain, when you see what you get for your money in England – rain and all

Jack: And we think we will build it our selves and just get professionals to do the difficult bits

Dame: Like walls and a roof

Lucy: Now then, I'm sure Jack has got some ideas on building a house

Dame: He once built a sand castle and got a denunciar

Lucy: How did you get on with the Estate Agent?

Jack: Oh he wasn't an Estate Agent, he seemed as though he worked for himself, a kind of Privateer you might say

Dame: Well as long as he's not a Buccaneer every thing should be alright

Lucy: Have you got a plan of action?

Dame-Jack: Yes, we'll tell you about it